As I’ve built my business over the past ten months, my mood towards these endeavors has run the gamut from fear and loathing to disbelief to excitement, pride, and joy. These dramatic contrasts happen over days, hours, or even minutes. It feels insane – how can thoughts and feelings about something completely oppose each other so quickly? How can I rely on what I feel if it changes all the time?

“Don’t ignore your feelings” is good advice. Notice them, for your feelings can indicate where you need to take action to live a life that aligns with your values and goals. But be skeptical of them, too. Feelings are so diverse that they can’t all mean something, not in the sense that they are all a roadmap for how to live.

I recently read How To Think More About Sex by Alain de Botton. Though the title is ambiguous, the book is excellent, covering many topics related to sexuality and relationships. The following passages stood out:

“Such a re-evaluation [of the institution of romantic marriage] may be prompted by an awareness of how chaotic and misleading our feelings can be. We may, for example, see an attractive face at a street crossing and want to turn our life upside down as a result. When a tempting person with whom we have been having an erotic exchange in an internet chat room suggests a meeting at an airport hotel, we may be tempted to blow up our life in favour of a few hours’ pleasure. There are times when we feel sufficiently angry with our spouse that we would be happy to see him or her knocked down by a car; but ten minutes later, we may be reminded that we would die rather than go on alone. During the longueurs of weekends, we may be desperate for our children to grow up, lose their interest in trampolining and leave us alone for ever so that we can read a magazine for once, and enjoy a tidy living room – and then a day later, at the office, we may want to howl with grief because a meeting looks like it’s going to overrun and we realize we’ll miss out on putting them to bed.

The defenders of feeling-based marriage venerate emotions for their sincerity and authenticity, but they are able to do so only because they avoid looking too closely at what actually floats through most people’s emotional kaleidoscopes in any given period: all the contradictory, sentimental and hormonal forces that pull us in a hundred often crazed and inconclusive directions. To honor every one of our emotions would be to annul any chance of leading a coherent life. We could not be fulfilled if we weren’t inauthentic some of the time, perhaps even a lot of it – inauthentic, that is, in relation to such things as our passing desires to throttle our children, poison our spouse or end our marriage over a dispute about changing a light bulb.

Romanticism highlighted the perils of inauthenticity, but we will face no fewer dangers if we attempt always to bring our outer life into line with our inner one. It is giving our feelings too great a weight to want them to be lodestars by which the major projects of our lives may be guided. We are chaotic chemical propositions, in dire need of basic principles that we can adhere to during our brief rational spells. We should feel grateful for, and protected by, the knowledge that our external circumstances are often out of line with what we feel; it is a sign that are probably on the right course.”*

These examples of how irrational and fleeting feelings can be illustrates what I sometimes forget to remember: feelings are something, but they are not everything. You don’t have to do anything based on them, and you may want to ignore them sometimes.

*I neglected to note the page numbers. Apologies to Alain de Botton!

(image taken by Mat McIntyre.)

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Definition of SHOULD (past of shall) – used in auxiliary function to express obligation, propriety, or expediency: “’tis commanded I should do so” — Shakespeare, “this is as it should be” — H. L. Savage, “you should brush your teeth after each meal.”

Should is a weird word. The way I hear it used most means you are doing the wrong thing, and it would be better/smarter/more worth your time to do a different thing. But how does anyone know what the right thing to do is? Right according to whom?

I first thought critically about should with my aunt. She pointed out that, “whenever you think or say should, it’s someone else’s voice.” That is, should comes from what you were taught is correct to do. It comes from your socialization and upbringing, sense of responsibility, of justice, manners, culture, and trying to please people. It’s the voice of your parents, boss, partner, or God. It’s the lessons you learned about punctuality, debt, obligation, social rules and expectations, and appropriate reactions. At its best, it encourages you to do things that are important. At its worst, it gives the sense that you could always be doing something more than you are, which leads to feelings of inadequacy and guilt.

But when you speak and think in your own voice, there is nothing to should. In a universe without should, aren’t you always doing fine? If you can tune out the voice in your head yammering about obligations and ideas on the right and wrong ways to be, you’re just doing you on your own time. Maybe you shouldn’t be doing anything else.

It can be extremely frustrating when things don’t go the way they should – the way we expect, or the way we were taught is right (the door should be unlocked). But reality bends to no will or expectation.

Many shoulds come down to time. Time is a nonrenewable resource, and we want to do a lot in our lives. Many things compete for our time, and as we grew up we learned that some things are expected: “I should go out more. I should be meeting more people. I should make more money while I’m young. I should perform better at work.” They’re not bad things, per se, but they may not be you things, either. Next time you hear a should, think about whose voice is speaking. It probably isn’t yours.

(photo from Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh)

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“There’s never a task too great or too small, because the only task to accomplish is the one in front of me. It might appear that there are a thousand things to do, but in fact there is never more than one.”

We can only complete one task at a time. There is never more than that one thing to do, the thing right in front of us, whether it’s to put on pajamas, proof a pitch, submit an application, or give a hug.

There’s never more than one thing to do.

(photo by Eva Jannotta)

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“It won’t be possible.” This one I learned from Jen Dziura, and have used effectively. It’s hard to argue with it won’t be possible (what can you say? Make it possible?), and it makes you sound in control of the situation. After all, you know what is and isn’t possible. You know the facts.

“Do you mind if I finish?” Interruptions! Some people are so good at them. Respond to interruptions by (politely) asking if you may finish your thought/sentence. Often people don’t realize they interrupt, and once it’s pointed out are quick to remember that interrupting is rude, and to give you back the floor. What’s their alternative? Yes, I do mind. What I have to say is more important. They may think that but they probably won’t say it, especially if there’s an audience.

“Did you say…?” a friend’s colleague gave her this advice: if you’re in a situation and you’re not sure what to say, repeat the other person’s statement. It buys you time and, if the other person’s statement was absurd, exposes the absurdity to their own ears. Say someone backs into your car (I hope not). If the other person gets out and tries to blame you for the accident, don’t apologize! (This actually happened to someone I know.) Instead, try “did you say this was my fault?” You know, semi-politely.

“What?” Another recommendation from the same colleague-of-a-friend. This is another time-buying device. More politely, “what was that?” or “can you repeat that?”

“What is the next step?” This neatly places the ball out of your court. If someone is asking you for something, say your piece and end with “what’s the next step?” Sometimes people will try (consciously or subconsciously) to get you to do all the work. This simple question turns that around (another one from Jen).

“Good fit.” This is a good phrase when asking for things. Say you’re negotiating, and you have requests. After stating them, leave the conversation on terms of a good fit. Given these requests, please let me know if this position is a good fit. We all want situations that are mutually beneficial. “Good fit” is an easy way to communicate that.

“Uncivil.” This is a great word. It’s unusual, a old-fashioned (I’ve only come across it in Jane Austen novels), and snappy. Because of these characteristics, it gets peoples’ attention. Use it when situations (or people!) are uncivil.

“That’s not an appropriate way to talk to a woman.” This one is also from Jen, and it’s for street harassment. I’ve tried it once, and it didn’t work too well (the guys kept talking to me. I think my delivery was more disgusted than morally superior/disappointed. Is it stupid that I need to practice my tone for responding to street harassers? Yes. Such is life). But it gave me something to say, and I will keep practicing.

What are your favorite words or phrases? (Buzzfeed collected some great ones such as limerence, vellichor, and syzygy!)

This post is part of The Bullish Blog Network.

(photo by Eva Jannotta)

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I love traveling to other countries. Most of them have physical evidence of ancient history all over, in a way the United States does not. This was a huge treat in Italy. Roman and Greek ruins are casually everywhere –  aqueducts besides train tracks and temples in the middle of bustling cities.

Still, the most meaningful part of our trip was the people.

Liz and I planned this trip as kids, promising each other we would travel to Italy together and see the village where our great-grandfather grew up. We had no expectations of finding family there. Not only would they be distant cousins, but what were the odds that any would still live there, and that we would be able to find them?

Our Airbnb host was undeterred. She took us to the town municipio where we saw our great-grandparents’ marriage record! We learned that we do indeed have family still living in town. So we visited them! They were generous, warm, and very Italian. They talked loudly over one another, urged us to “mangia,” and used dramatic hand gestures. They had photos of our great-grandparents, our great-great-grandparents, even letters my great-grandfather wrote to his sister in Italy. I teared up when I saw them. It made our family history so real.

We also saw the house where he grew up. It’s empty now. It sits precariously on the hill that makes up the historic town, surrounded by cobblestone and winding staircases. Walk a few streets over and there’s a beautiful view of the mountains and valleys of southern Italy.

We also made friends in another place we visited. After getting lost on our walk to the next town and ending up somewhere different, we landed, hungry and worn out, in a spagheterria for lunch. Two men entered the restaurant shortly after, and helped translate what the waiter was trying to offer us (frittelle, basically Italian hush puppies). They ended up offering to show us around town, which made our visit much more exciting and enjoyable. They were friendly and generous with their time. Thanks to their car, we were able to see parts of the town we would have otherwise missed. They introduced us to their friends and the local nightlife. They even took us to their beach house! Thanks to them, we felt right at home.

Italy is a spectacular place to visit – there is much to see and taste. Yet making the personal connections we did reminded me how important relationships are. They bring unique meaning to experiences, no matter how long (or short) the relationships last.

One of my professors once said,

“The beautiful thing about being somewhere for a while is how it gets into your skin. It makes it hard to leave, even if you know it’s not quite “home.” But it’s a part of you now and you will more than likely go back. And it’s also always good to come home, even if that makes you sad to leave at the same time.”

I feel energized and grateful and curious in new ways, and it is nice to be home. Yet every time I travel I feel like I leave a little part of myself behind. There’s some grief (in addition to gladness) that I’m home again. We’re already talking about going back. Fingers crossed for summer 2016!

(photos taken by Eva Jannotta)

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“There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open.” – Martha Graham

What blocks you? Fear, clutter, money, disorganization, activation energy, the unknown, impressing others, overwhelm, boredom, complacency?

The odds of your existence are one in four trillion. That’s what scientists have calculated based on the chances of you being born when you were, where you were, to your particular parents, with your DNA. Does that feel like a lot of pressure?

It’s not about compare and despair, it’s about you. What do you bring to the table? What lights you up? What do you want? What do you enjoy? What can you share? What’s on your bucket list?

Keep the channel open.

(photo by John Moore here)

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What do you want?

Mel Robbins says to be selfish. Don’t make it sound good, and don’t think about what would impress other people. Be honest. Is it to lose weight? Volunteer abroad? Stay home with your kids? Learn to cook?

Mel also says, pick something. “People don’t pick.”

I asked my roommate how to tell what you really want. He said, “the thing that won’t let you sleep because you want it so bad.” I rarely have trouble sleeping, but I think I know what he means. It’s the thing you’ve had in the back of your mind for years, maybe since you were a child. It’s the thing you daydream about while commuting or falling asleep. Maybe it’s the thing you’ve never told anyone, because it’s so important.

I was mulling over this topic when I came upon an excerpt from Gala Darling’s interview with Danielle LaPorte. Perfect timing. These stellar women talk about what to do “when you don’t have a clue,” and how to take the first step.

From Danielle:

“Clueless [about what you want to do]? I don’t think so. Somewhere inside of you, you know what lights you up…. Believe that you already know… in your body, your fantasies, the people you envy, your journal, your childhood, your longings, the things you would do if you were fearless, if money were no object… What you want to do is there… and every time you deny that, you shrink a little bit.”

She also talks about option paralysis, and echoes Mel in saying, “pick something. Just pick anything. Eventually you will fail, so get it out of the way… You’re going to learn the same kind of lessons you need no matter what you choose.”

But it’s hard to pick, isn’t it? There are dozens of things to do. If you feel stuck, consider the following:

Fearing of commitment: “Renaissance Woman” is a compliment, but the mindset to try everything could be fear’s way of preventing you from doing anything. Not doing something is still an action. Danielle says, “remember that motion is better than stasis. Doing something is better than doing nothing.”

It’s all an experiment: View your ventures as experiments, not absolutes. You can change gears any time. With equal parts curiosity and commitment you can try things to see how they work, and avoid devastation when some things inevitably fail. Shrug. It was an experiment! On to the next.

What’s your business model? It’s simple to think about what you would do if money were no object. But money IS an object, and buying groceries should be factored in to your decisions. So consider where the money comes from when you choose what to do. If it means working part time while you build to your goals, go for it.

Be selfish, be brave (you don’t have to tell anyone): what really “lights you up”? That’s what you want.

(photo source here.)

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How many ideas do you have throughout the day? Things to try or create or tell people? How often do you have an impulse to send a message, compliment someone, write a story, or ask a question? How often do you act on these impulses? How many times throughout the day do you think about taking a step towards what you want, only to get distracted and think, I’ll do it later?

Mel has a message: stop screwing yourself over.

You’re never going to feel like doing it. You’re never going to feel like editing your novel, starting a business, or changing the way you eat. You’re never going to feel like doing pushups, asking for forgiveness, or writing a pitch. The end goal or product seems removed from the immediate steps. The reward for doing pushups feels like it’s a million years away. So you think well, maybe I don’t actually need to do that.

After all, you’re fine, right? But the problem with “fine,” Mel says, is that you’re saying fine to yourself. And if you’re fine, it’s easy to convince yourself that you don’t need to do anything differently. You don’t need to make changes, you don’t need to do pushups. (There’s a time and place for “I’m fine” though: it creates boundaries. I don’t want to share my emotional state with everyone. Sometimes I don’t want to go into detail. I say I’m fine. Easy. Done.)

So we hit what Mel calls the “inner snooze button” on our impulses. When our ideas well up, we snooze them. Our routines are predictable, and we are creatures of comfort. As soon as we step outside routine, it’s uncomfortable. Yet as Esther Perel tells us, we have equal needs for predictability and adventure, even (or especially) when adventure is challenging, maybe scary. We must parent ourselves: force ourselves to do what it takes to get what we want.

Sometimes it’s okay to hit snooze. It’s not important to act on every Instagram idea, or text a friends every thought that may interest them. But what about your Big Audacious Goals? You’re never going to feel like doing them. And then they won’t get done. And then you won’t get what you want.

Here’s a trick: Mel points out that if you don’t pair an impulse or idea with an action within five seconds, the opportunity is passed. Remember the Five Second Rule next time you have an idea for a blog post or program. Remember it next time you want to sing but don’t. Or dance. Or do a cartwheel.

Scientists have calculated the odds of you being born when you were, where you were, to your particular parents, with your DNA. One in four trillion: those are your odds. Miraculous, isn’t it?

So what was the first decision you made today? To go back to sleep? Or to get up within five seconds and start your day?

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An Iranian friend said, “the first thing I learned when I moved to the United States is that you never admit that you’re wrong.” Whoa. It made me think about our tendency to defend ourselves when we receive criticism. For many of us it takes intention, patience, and practice to receive feedback gracefully. Perhaps it’s partly because of our culture: one that doesn’t always admit mistakes or prioritize listening and learning.

You will always have your critics, whether partners, children, bosses, or strangers on the Internet. And when criticism makes you feel defensive, pay attention. There may be a kernel of truth to the criticism. We’re told to listen to feedback and learn from it, and that’s usually good advice. But constructive criticism isn’t everything.

I had a relationship in which I received a lot of criticism. Some of it made me feel defensive, for there was some truth to the feedback I received. But mostly it made me feel bad. I got stuck in a negative spiral of beating myself up for the mistakes and misunderstandings that led to criticism. Without realizing it, I let the critical relationship have power over me until I felt anxious, insecure, and guilty most of the time. A friend told me,

“With constructive feedback there is always some of it that’s true and some of it that’s not. People will try to put ideas in your head. Know in your heart what’s true. If you worked your hardest with the directions you were given, know that you did your best.”

Criticism is a two-way street: it’s a reflection of the person it’s directed to, and it’s a reflection of the person it comes from. It’s as much about you as it is about the person who’s saying it. Remember that, and take criticism with a grain of salt. Listen and learn, but don’t let it bring you down.

What do you do when you hear criticism?

(photo taken by a friend: Dead Sea, Israel)

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I was not confident in math. I peeked at others’ answers not to copy them, but to confirm that mine were right. I preferred English class. I trusted my interpretation of text and my perspective on poetry. The “no right answer” of studying literature felt safer than the “one right/many wrong” answers in math.

Yet people love math. There is something comforting about knowing there’s a right answer out there. It’s not up to chance and it has nothing to do with feelings. It just is. It’s satisfying to puzzle through problems and arrive at the correct answer.

Learning math in school was about learning formulas to get to a solution (imagine if we had studied fractals!). It actually didn’t matter what formula you used, as long as you got the right answer. Life can be like that: you need to learn processes to do jobs. You need to create templates, systems, and checklists. Sometimes life is about plugging into systems and following the rules. But life is also like literature. Your experiences and feelings influence your understanding, your priorities and opinions change, and chance leads you in directions you couldn’t have imagined. When you make a decision, no matter the pros and cons you weigh or advice you solicit, the decision is yours. Unlike math, life has no “right” answers. It’s unpredictable.

But another possibility is that life has only right answers. Think about it: you have reasons for everything you do. Even if the reasons seem terrible later, they were reasonable when you used them. Like in math, it doesn’t matter how you arrive at a decision: whatever the decision is, it’s right for you at the time. What if life is like math problems that only have solutions? There are no wrong decisions. There are no mistakes.

Of course in life, there are no “right” answer that you can check in the back of a book or have your teacher grade. You won’t receive applause for all the decisions you make, because no one knows what the right decision is for you. You have to trust that you can do the math. Trust yourself in relationships. When they start to feel wrong, pay attention. Trust yourself in what you’re working on. Are you doing something easy right now while you build your next move? Are you taking a big risk that scares but thrills you? Are you saying no to an opportunity because it doesn’t feel right? Trust that.

There’s no wrong way to live, like there’s no wrong way to solve math problems. Life is like a math problem that only has solutions. Trust yourself that your answers are right.

(photo taken by Eva Jannotta: Yerevan, Armenia)

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