When I was growing up, we had a neighbor across the street named Robert.
One day, Robert and I and other neighborhood kids were tossing around a football. When it was my turn to throw I sent it to Robert, and he said, “you throw like a girl.”
I could tell from his tone of voice that he wasn’t stating a fact, he was stating a flaw. It was the first time I realized that some people think there’s something wrong with me because I’m female.
This story is about gender bias, but that’s not why I’m telling it. I’m telling it because no matter your gender or other identities, you have stories like this. You’ve had experiences that taught you there’s something wrong with you.
Why IS that? Is it because of our culture? Is it because of our brain’s negativity bias, or our evolutionary need to belong?
It’s frustrating to no end that experiences like mine with Robert – tiny, otherwise insignificant moments from childhood – have an outsize impact on our self-regard and self-belief for the rest of our lives.
Doesn’t that seem ridiculous? And self-defeating?
Think of the myriad of ways the belief “there’s something wrong with me” is holding you back. Every time something goes unexpectedly, it’s because there’s something wrong with me and I’m bad. When you make a mistake, there’s something wrong with me that I keep making mistakes. Someone you care about is displeased, I did something wrong, I am inherently wrong. Not to mention when you have a brave new idea or a deep desire, and you cut yourself off from trying it because you’re too wrong for that. It’ll never work and it’s not worth trying.
It’s exhausting.
Have you ever noticed that opposite extremes are similar? If you turn on very hot or very cold water in the sink and run your finger through it, at first they feel pretty similar.
What if actually there is nothing wrong with you or me or anyone? There’s something wrong with you is a dupe, and we’ve all fallen for it. The opposites are true: nobody is perfect is the same as saying everyone is (their mistakes and flaws notwithstanding).
What would it take to BELIEVE that, 100% really and truly, every moment of every day?
There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you.
