I recently became convinced that a friend was angry with me. He was acting so strange! The last few times we saw each other, he avoided eye contact. He didn’t hug me hello or goodbye. When we texted, his answers were short and our conversation quickly died.
I racked my brain. Had I done something to offend him? To be fair, he had been going through a rough time personally. Still, why take it out on me? Was our relationship such that I was the one he shunned when he needed space to cope?
I couldn’t stop thinking about it. When I saw him and he seemed standoffish, I felt physically sick. My body temperature dropped. I had knots in my stomach. What was going on?
Sometimes you can’t stop thinking about it
Some people are obsessors. When something seems off, we can’t stop thinking about it. Our minds race to find explanations, to solve the problem, to imagine scenarios in which we confront, or debrief with other friends, or move to South America and never speak of the situation again. Obsessive thinking can ruin a day. And in the throes it seems very difficult, even impossible, to turn off.
Surely there are people out there who are good at compartmentalizing their feelings. Who are able to shift focus from one situation to another easily. I envy them! When something seems wrong, it stays on my mind. Sometimes, it stays for days. And try as I might, it feels impossible move on to other tasks.
For obsessive thinkers, is there a better way to manage our feelings? Tough situations are unavoidable. Clients will become angry with us or will fire us. Bosses will criticize us. Friends will let us down. Partners will disappoint us. Learning to take these undesirable situations in stride is a skill worth cultivating. Like many skills, it takes diligence and presence of mind to get good at it. Thankfully (sort of!) there will be plenty of adverse circumstances for us to practice.
A few things to remember
A great way to sabotage ourselves when learning a skill is to feel bad that we’re not already good at the thing, and to get carried away by thoughts and feelings about the process. Remember:
- We are normal: being sensitive to others’ behavior and experiencing deep feelings is a normal way of being. It’s not everyone’s way, but it is no better or worse than other ways of being.
- We don’t have to listen to our feelings: just because you think something doesn’t make it true. Remember what they say when you assume? Remind yourself that while it sure seems like your friend hates your guts, you can’t be certain what’s really going on unless you are told.
Shift your attention
During the weeks that I obsessed about my friend, I was struck by how helpless I felt. I couldn’t persuade my mind to think about other things; my mind has a mind of its own! Our thoughts come and go without our control. It’s frustrating but true that trying not to think about something simply makes it more difficult to do so. However, we’re not doomed.
There are things that ease the anxiety of obsessive thinking, and they involve shifting our attention. Sometimes it’s best just not to think about it. There are uncomfortable or upsetting situations that we can’t do anything to fix. In the meantime, we can shift attention elsewhere and focus on the things that make us feel happy, healthy, and whole:
- Make plans that require attention and presence: spend time with your friends. Go hiking or biking with them. Play games that require strategy. Cook something elaborate that requires careful attention the recipe. Distracting yourself with activities that are fun and engage your mind will shift your focus from obsessing to enjoying.
- Do things that make you feel like YOU: reread your favorite book. Listen to your favorite music. Talk to someone you’ve known for years and years. Hang out with your family. Do something that grounds and centers YOU, something that feels familiar and right and good.
- Get lost in stories: read a novel. Watch a movie. Netflix and chill. Read about someone who had a hard life and triumphed despite the odds (it will give you perspective).
This is not the end
Above all else, dwelling thoughts will change with time. No matter what happens, time will make it better. This is how the brain works. For some, obsessively processing the situation is how we move forward. But no matter what “bad” stuff happens, and how consuming it feels right now, it never feels the same way forever. Any hurt or pain we experience becomes easier to bear with time.
In the meantime, go do the things that make that time pass more quickly!
