Somewhere along the line I learned to associate a lot of negative emotions with money. Money was something to be guarded closely and spent sparingly, because there wasn’t enough. I remember being moved and a little bewildered by the ease with which my best friend in high school spent money. She would ask what I wanted at Starbucks and pay without batting an eye. “I don’t worry about it,” she said. “I know it’ll even out in the end.”
In contrast, I was accustomed to pondering big and little purchases closely. If I spend on this now, I worried, will I have enough later? I started earning money when I was twelve, and reveled in the amazing fact that I could exchange my labor for dollars. I felt relief when I was earning money, and anxiety when I wasn’t. The anxiety increased as I got older and my expenses grew. I never felt the ease and generosity that my high school friend exhibited.
After graduating from university, I started reading Mr. Money Mustache and GetBullish. Both emphasize the importance of working hard, making money, and saving now for the benefit of your future self. I ate it up! It made so much sense to me: you don’t know what your future self wants, but you know she will appreciate having options. And money provides options.
The fear I felt around money came to a head when I quit my job last year to start a business. I took an 80% pay cut, and my anxiety went through the roof. I had a “no spend” month. I felt worried about going out to dinner or buying clothes. One day, I went to Starbucks to work. I had a Starbucks gift card from my aunt, so I bought a latte. Immediately, I was felt guilty. You just spent $4+ on a cup of goddamn coffee! my mind screamed. Are you insane? Despite the fact that you can’t spend a Starbucks gift card on anything but Starbucks, my fear of spending money wouldn’t let me go. That day was a low point – I couldn’t be generous to myself, much less pay it forward to a friend!
Something had to change. A question from my cousin crystallized the why of my fear: “are you anxious because you’re afraid you won’t have enough to pay rent? Or because you’re afraid you won’t have enough in the future?” I hadn’t realized it, but my fear was tied up in a hypothetical future self – if I spent money on Starbucks, would I be taking away from some future situation in which I would need that money more? My old boss once said, “worry is just fear of failing in the future.” By questioning my fear of failure, I started to let go of my fierce attachment to the future. People try without success all the time – from business ventures and book proposals to recipes and haircuts. Failure is not dooming – it doesn’t mean you’re a ruined-forever-person. This realization made me feel more relaxed and open about the future, and the probability that I’ll screw up as I move up. It also helped that I started making more money in my business! And frankly, I got sick of being afraid. Fear is uncomfortable. It makes your mind feel small and your body feel tight. I still track my expenses and try to make informed decisions, but I feel much more at ease around money.
But not when it comes to raising my business prices. Though I believe it’s appropriate to increase my rates as I increase my skills, knowledge, and experience, the thought of telling my clients scares me: what if it makes them angry? What if they hate me? What if they think I’m a fraud? What if they don’t think what I’m doing is valuable enough?
It’s normal to have some insecurity around value, particularly for women. But in a conversation with my coach, we got to the crux of the problem: pain. I’m empathetic – it’s easy for me to understand what others are feeling. When I imagine raising prices (even though I know it’s how a business grows), I feel pain on behalf of my clients. Pain! This made me realize that I associate parting with money with pain*, because of my long-standing fears around having enough in the future. It’s painful to let money go, because what if money stops coming in?
“I say this with love,” coach Leslie broke in, “but you’re projecting. Because you’ve learned that parting with money is painful, you’re assuming that your clients feel the same way.” Instead, she asked, what other emotions can you associate with money?
I thought of the gratitude I felt recently when I paid to have my makeup done for a photoshoot. I was so pleased with the results, and so grateful to the artist I found and liked. I even scheduled another appointment! I felt generous, at ease, and excited that I’m able, as a “grown-up” and business owner, to pay to have my makeup done. Wow! I walked out of the shop salon with a spring in my step.
This memory reminded me that my own experiences with spending range from pain and anxiety to joy and generosity. Perhaps I could change what I think my clients feel into something more positive! But whether I imagine my clients feel pain or gratitude when they pay for services is not the point: either way I’m making assumptions about their experiences, and that’s none of my business (no pun intended). It’s irrelevant what I think others feel about spending money – it doesn’t change the fact that I need to raise my prices as my company grows. Some people may not be able to afford it, while others may wholeheartedly support the price increase. If I can assume anything, it’s that there will be a range of responses to and opinions about my business decisions.
So what is an entrepreneur to do? Two things:
- “Feel the fear and do it anyway.” I always remember this line from a (different) boss: many things that are important to do are uncomfortable to do. But you have to do them anyway if you want to grow.
- Work on ourselves. We have no power over how others feel, but if we feel pain, we can work on that. Notice when you have anxiety and pain around spending. Is it because the purchase you’re considering is out of line with your values? Or is it leftover from an anxiety habit? Is it an opportunity to disassociate spending with pain, and re-associate it with generosity and gratitude?
When I raise my prices, I want to do so from a place of gratitude and confidence, not fear and anxiety. I hope that my clients will choose to keep working with me – I respect and admire every single one of them and would be sorry to see any of them go. But I understand, too, that part of growth is to say goodbye sometimes. If my prices and a client’s budget have friction, we will work it out or part ways. Either outcome, I intend to build my business with openness and gratitude.
*My friend Lauren noted that many people spend to escape pain. How many of you also feel the pain of parting when you spend money?
**If you’re thinking about raising your prices, here is a helpful template for sharing the news with your clients!
