I love networking. At least, I love meeting new people and getting to know them.

It’s exciting! I can’t wait to find out what values we have in common, what people, places and experiences we share, and how we can challenge each other and move each other forward. People are fascinating. It’s amazing that you can have so many thoughts and feelings in common with someone you’ve literally never talked to before. Relationships are full of possibility!

I hate being asked, “so what do you do???”

This is THE question-of-the-hour at any professional (and, if you live in an east coast major city) social event.

The other day a colleague asked me this Dreadful Question, and I said, “I offer marketing and thought leadership strategy for women-owned companies.”

My colleague followed up with, “so what does that mean?”

(This follow-up question gives me valuable data: it means that my first answer wasn’t clear enough. It will be an asset to my Future-Self-At-Networking-Events to have a clear, concise answer to the Dreadful Question.)

Too much, too soon

Here’s what this exchange felt like:

• I only want to know one thing about you so I can categorize you in a box
• Once I know what you do, I’ll know if I can use you to meet my goals
• Give me a quick sound byte about yourself so I can figure out who you are without having to waste any of my time
• I’m only interested in your professional title, that’s your only valuable identity
• I’m testing you. Do you have a ready-made Unique Value Propisition?

Woo me a little first! How about some small talk? We joke that it’s cliche to talk about the weather, but skipping that step means you’re not laying ANY conversational groundwork, you’re not connecting over a shared experience.

But networking, we’re told, is about getting yourself out there as a professional. Finding prospects. Finding partners. Having a professional agenda for every interaction. So we neglect good conversation and meaningful connections and focus on passing out as many business cards as possible. It sucks the surprise, humanness and joy out of meeting new people. (No wonder people hate networking!)

Do you find this Dreadful Question as abrupt and intrusive as I do?

Asking someone to tell you about their job right out of the gate implies that it’s the only thing worth knowing about them. It reduces everyone you meet to a worker, when we are much more than our jobs – or ANY one thing. And frankly, many of us over-identify with our careers as-is (a topic for another time). We don’t need this question as reinforcement.

“So what do you do” isn’t the only question that makes the recipient feel reduced and interrogated:

• You’re getting your degree in Women’s Studies? Huh. So what are you going to do with that after college?
• What’s your favorite pastime? 
• What are you passionate about?
• So why do you do [job title]? 
• What’s your WHY?

These questions aren’t BAD. But they’re overbearing when I’ve JUST met you (or it’s the first time I’ve seen you in a while). Why are you giving me the third degree? Why would you ask me something so personal and complex, something that might feel tender and vulnerable or even confusing to me, right away? Why not connect with me over simple, shared topics first? Let’s get comfortable with each other.

10 questions you can ask before “SO WHAT DO YOU DO?”

1. I really like your outfit (this isn’t a question but it’s a great ice breaker, as long as you’re not hitting on the person)
2. Have you been here before?
3. What are you drinking?
4. How was your day?
5. What do you have going on this weekend?
6. Have you lived here long?
7. How did you learn about this networking event?
8. Did you come here by yourself, or with someone?
9. What are you reading/watching right now?
10. What do you think of this event?

The other thing to remember is that just because someone asks SO WHAT DO YOU DO, doesn’t mean you have to answer.

This realization might bring up some fear and limiting beliefs: what if I’m losing an opportunity for a client? What if she thinks I’m rude?

You don’t owe anybody your time or energy, especially when their attention feels intrusive. It doesn’t mean you’re shutting the door on them forever, it means you’re making the situation more comfortable. I’m going to trying saying:

• “I do a lot of things, but before we get to the heavy stuff let’s get to know each other. How did you hear about this event?
• “Great question, but let’s get to know each other before we talk about work.”
• “If you want to get acquainted, let’s sit down and talk” (this one and the next is perfect for getting this question at a co-working space)
• “Right now isn’t a great time for me to get acquainted, let’s talk later”

I’ve been thinking A LOT about boundaries and saying no lately, and reminding myself I don’t have to play games that I don’t enjoy. You don’t, either.

Image by Create Her Stock.