I hired a coach to help me work through a vulnerable situation with a colleague.
As soon as I hired her, I felt knots in my stomach in anticipation of the discussion with my colleague…even though hiring the coach was a totally safe opportunity to prepare for the discussion.
After my coach and I talked, I felt sick with tension and nerves in anticipation of the discussion with my colleague. Even though I know I’ll survive the discussion, even though I know it’s not happening yet and there’s nothing to freak out about, my mind kept returning to it over and over.
I kept thinking half-formed thoughts about what my colleague might say, or think, or say behind my back. My imagination went wild picturing how I will feel, how I might stumble over my words or say the wrong thing.
As soon as I woke up the day after coaching, my mind went RIGHT back to worrying.
And I realized it’s a familiar cycle.
I felt sick with fear after I wrote a snail-mail letter to a woman I admired, asking if I could attend her event for a trade (I never heard back from her). My body felt hot, my stomach in knots, after I emailed someone out of the blue to ask for insights into her business development (she wrote me a lovely response).
One time I went on Facebook Live from my personal profile instead of my business page, and was joined by an old college friend, my ex-boyfriend, his wife, and a few others. It was mortifying, and I thought about it and cringed over and over the rest of the day.
It’s like my mind needs 24 hours to freak the fuck out. To be scared, scared, scared. And then it gets tired of the panic. It gets used to the idea that we’re pushing our own boundaries.
I bet this will keep happening. When you market a new idea, when you ask for more, when you say no to something big, your inner system goes haywire. What each of these experiences remind me is to view inner-haywiring is a green light.
