Why is criticism, even constructive criticism, hard to hear?
An Iranian friend said, “the first thing I learned when I moved to the United States is that you never admit that you’re wrong.” Whoa. It made me think about our tendency to defend ourselves when we receive criticism. For many of us it takes intention, patience, and practice to receive feedback gracefully. Perhaps it’s partly because of our culture: one that doesn’t always admit mistakes or prioritize listening and learning.
You will always have your critics, whether partners, children, bosses, or strangers on the Internet. And when criticism makes you feel defensive, pay attention. There may be a kernel of truth to the criticism. We’re told to listen to feedback and learn from it, and that’s usually good advice. But constructive criticism isn’t everything.
I had a relationship in which I received a lot of criticism. Some of it made me feel defensive, for there was some truth to the feedback I received. But mostly it made me feel bad. I got stuck in a negative spiral of beating myself up for the mistakes and misunderstandings that led to criticism. Without realizing it, I let the critical relationship have power over me until I felt anxious, insecure, and guilty most of the time. A friend told me,
“With constructive feedback there is always some of it that’s true and some of it that’s not. People will try to put ideas in your head. Know in your heart what’s true. If you worked your hardest with the directions you were given, know that you did your best.”
Criticism is a two-way street: it’s a reflection of the person it’s directed to, and it’s a reflection of the person it comes from. It’s as much about you as it is about the person who’s saying it. Remember that, and take criticism with a grain of salt. Listen and learn, but don’t let it bring you down.
What do you do when you hear criticism?
(photo taken by a friend: Dead Sea, Israel)
