Feeling bad isn’t fun. Most prefer feeling great, but I don’t know anyone who feels great all the time. There’s emphasis in our culture on choosing to feel great, as though feelings are the simple result of decisions and if we want to, we can all feel great all the time. Just think positive! You can control your thoughts, choose happy ones! Look on the bright side!
But sometimes everything seems like it sucks. At the same time that we talk about viewing the glass half-full, we know that feelings are not rational choices. Sometimes there’s a correlation between events and reactions, but other times feelings come and go for no apparent reason.
For a long time, I’ve been frustrated with myself when I feel bad – discouraged, anxious, insecure, unmotivated. It seems like a waste of time to feel bad about stuff that will work out later, as everything does. It’s more fun to feel happy and confident.
However, regarding my feelings as enemies was getting me nowhere except more unhappy and frustrated. I needed a new tactic. I decided I will let myself feel things all the way, even if it meant crying or laying in bed dreading things.
It’s a relief, actually. Instead of avoiding feelings or berating myself for having them, I let them roll over me, content to feel bad for a time and knowing that “this too shall pass.” As Louis C.K. says, “sadness is poetic.” I remind myself:
Feelings are neutral. They don’t mean you’re a good or bad person and they don’t mean you’re doomed. They just are. You can’t control them (or everyone would). So notice them. Be a casual, neutral observer instead of taking them personally and guessing what they MEAN about you.
Imagine your feelings (fear, discouragement, stress) are helping you. If they could talk, what would they say? What do they want you to know? What do they want to protect you from? What are they afraid of? What do they want for you?
Write down concrete steps you could take to alleviate your feelings. (This is helpful for fear and anxiety, but less helpful for grief, which takes time.) You don’t have to follow the steps, but having them on paper will remind you that you can change your situation.
When I do these things, it helps. Sometimes I imagine that anxiety like is an bird on my shoulder, chirping in my ear so that I get things done on time, do good work, and contribute to people. I tell the owl thanks, and to take time off. I don’t need that many reminders.
Note: some experiences with feelings are best treated clinically.
(photo by Eva Jannotta)
